01/25/14

I thought about writing everyday this week but its been a crazy week and honestly I'm glad I didn't ended up getting around to it until today.

Today is our nephew, sweet angel Emmett's birthday.  He would have been 5 today.  He passed away at 8 months old and changed our lives in so many ways.  Probably more than I could have ever imagined a nephew could.  He's a constant reminder of what we are striving for, where we want to be at the end of our mortal lives and that the effort will someday be worth it.

My little Luc was almost 2 when Emmett left us and at the time I was struggling with getting him to go to bed.  I quit trying that very day.  I decided I could hold him a little longer.  Snuggle him a little more.  Let him fall asleep in my arms and cherish those moments.  Emmett's birthday is a good reminder that I should still be doing those things.

I have to remind myself how I felt in the weeks and months that followed.  How my heart broke for my sister who was grieving in a way I couldn't even begin to imagine.  It hurt so bad just to think of what she was going through, I couldn't comprehend the pain she was enduring.  The reminder is good because it helps me to appreciate the days that seem too long and too hard.  At least I have those days.  My kids drive me crazy and I need to be grateful for that.

My sister says that his passing as difficult as it has been and as badly as it still hurts has brought some of the sweetest blessings of her life.  He truly is her angel.

I am immensely grateful for trials that bring blessings and strength.

Happy Birthday Emmett!

SUNDAY 01/19/2014

I am learning to love Sundays.  They are a little bit like a trial that you go through and in the middle of it you think there's absolutely no way that you'll ever survive it, then after it's done with you look  back and go "hmm that wasn't so bad, I could totally do that again."  Do you say that with trials?  Maybe not trials, maybe a hard work out or something.  Quite obviously I haven't perfected this little comparison but you get the point.

Sacrament meeting is usually the longest hour of the week.  Excuse me hour and 10 minutes.  Lets not forget those last 10 minutes that quite often are actually 15-20 minutes and somehow longer than the first hour all together.  Today wasn't the worst ever.  As the girls get older they're less trouble and more help but boys are a little more wiggly (wigglier?).  

Luc is almost 6 and I am convinced that he should be able to sit for longer than 3 minutes at a time.  He has yet to prove that ability.  He is constant movement.  And constant questions and comments.  

Jensen is just so mobile all the sudden and he can get himself 4 rows up before we even realize that he's gone.   It's like a fun little surprise for whoever ends up sitting within striking distance as a 1 year climbs under your feet and drools all over your shoes.  

And this is the best part, Nash has decided that its really fun to imitate his baby brother.  So if Jensen lets out a little baby squeal Nash then lets out a not-so-baby squeal and laughs hysterically.  

I'm sure people wonder why we don't sit back in the overflow.  I had someone ask me once when my children were going to learn to sit through sacrament meeting.  It crushed me a little bit and we did sit in the back for a couple of weeks.  It was awful.  Not only was it uncomfortable on those hard metal chairs but I felt so disconnected from the meeting and in turn the messages and spirit that was being shared.

I don't go to church because my family is perfect or anywhere near it.  I don't get 5 young children ready on Sunday mornings because it's fun.  I do it because its where I want my kids to be.  It's what I know they need to be learning.  It's where they'll find their strength and their courage when times get hard.  And it's how they'll know that even though its a really long hour, its also the best hour of the week.  

Today was not our best sacrament meeting ever.  I think we took kids out like 5-6 times.  The first one before the bishop even finished welcoming us to the meeting.  Jensen tried to chuck both of his shoes at the family behind us.  And at one point Nash was playing with all of his Toy Story toys in the aisle.  He just sat down and set up shop like he was right at home.  But we were there.  And we've always got next week to try again.  

Journal Entry #2 (01/14/14)

Oh what a day (or two days).  I  scheduled back to back dentist appointment days, just trying to get them out of the way and done with.  Problem is I made the appointments like a month ago and while I put it in my phone calendar I made the huge mistake of relying on my mommy brain instead of checking the dates and times.  Then I had everyone around me adjust their schedules and drop everything to help me out and make getting to those appointment possible.  Needless to say it didn't work out like it was supposed to.  Yesterday morning I got up early, got Luc up early and off we went.  Too bad his appointment was today not yesterday.  I hurried home to make sure Seth could get out the door and to work somewhat on time, (since I would need him to go in late today for Luc's real appointment) I walked in our room and stepped on his glasses and broke them.  Awesome.  (Jensen loves to pick things up off of tables, dressers, counters and drop them on the floor)  

I cried.

No really I did.

I felt so bad.  And mostly I was really mad at myself for being so ditsy.  My brain just can't store the amount of information that it once could.

I got nothing done yesterday or today.  So to make things easier on ourselves we've decided to refinance our house which means that we need an appraisal in the next week.  Great just let me super clean and organize my house real quick.  I'll get right on that.  As soon as I catch up on the 12 loads of laundry all over the laundry room floor.

Journal Entry #1 (01/10/13)

Trying something new this year.  Just going to do regular old journal entries because that's really why I blog.   So if it's too personal I'll keep it private (i'm sure there's a way to do that, right?) otherwise I'll just say it like it is.  Pretty much what I do anyway.

This year has started well.  Nothing too exciting, just feeling extremely blessed. Seth's job is about as close to perfect as one could hope.  We may  not be rich but he works a normal non-crazy-hours schedule and he can do the things most dads wish they could.  He is coaching (starting next week) both McKay & Kimball's soccer team and Luc's team.  It will keep us busy but I think its awesome that they get to have their dad coaching their team. And he is home all weekend.  I am super spoiled.

Jensen turned 1 this week.  He is such a good baby.  I wish he would stay little for longer. Pretty sure he is our caboose and it makes me sad that he is acting like a little toddler. I want to go back to snuggling him and lovin on him all day long but he wants to run around making messes and throwing stuff in the toilet.  Can't imagine why I want him to be a little baby still.

Seth is gone tonight.  He's on a "camp out" with the young men.  This is always a hard balance for me.  I want him home.  I need him. But deep down I know I don't need him nearly as much as some of these boys.  For several of the boys he is their only priesthood holding father figure.  We get him 95% of the time.  I need to be less selfish with that other 5%.

I got to go to the temple this morning.  I went all alone.  Which was a little weird for me but it was very... rejuvenating.  I love taking the time to just focus on the Lord and what He has asked me to do.  I feel like I really got some incredible inspiration today. Now I just need to act on it.  It always amazes me that even with all of that it's still a struggle to get there.  My goal this year is 2x a month.  Once with Seth, once on my own or with girlfriends.  

I think I'll try to read in bed and see if it puts me to sleep.  I hate going to bed without Seth.  He's my security blanket. 

He thinks he's so big!